Soul Searching with a Smile

Good morning!

As some of you know, we've been actively trying to have a second child for many months now and have been unsuccessful. I had an mri (see previous blog) to check off any pituitary abnormality that would throw off my reproductive system. So thats not the problem. We still don't have an answer in black and white. This is quite the problem considering I'm itching to have a second baby. I've got baby fever BAD!!! It doesn't help that so many friends of mine are having their 2nd or 3rd baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited and happy for every single one of them but it really takes a toll on my soul. (sorry that rhymed)

I am continually reminded that I need to be thankful for each and every blessing. And I truly am. BUT... I want to bless my son with a brother or sister to grow up with, to protect, to share that inseperable bond. I often find myself begging God to allow me to get pregnant, carry to term, and give birth to another healthy baby. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much?

Yesterday a very dear friend of mine, expecting precious twins in April, found out she's carrying two healthy girls. I was so overjoyed and happy for her and her family, I started crying. Like bawling, crying! I was so shocked. I thought surely she was having two boys. Glad I was wrong. :)

After I went on about my day, I found myself getting sadder and sadder that I was the odd man out... the one that is NOT pregnant. That is NOT having her second child. It's not the "feeling left out" thing, its the strong desire to have a second child and the torturous feeling of not being to GET pregnant is what hurts my soul. I know some have said "God will bless you with another child when the time is right." And I agree with that so very much, I have faith HE is in control, BUT my husband will be 40 in January and I want him to be able to still interact with our two kids. I'm afraid in another ten years he'll be in a walker. I always joke with him that he's not getting any younger. But that's beside the point.

I pray my time will come, sooner than later. For now I'm left to feel so empty and incomplete. Alot of my sweet friends have been so sweet and thoughtful while I struggle with accepting all this, in dealing with the fact I have to wait for my time to come. To my sweet friends: thank you! Those two grateful words aren't enough to describe how much I appreciate all of you. I don't want any of you all to worry about me but I am going to seperate myself from facebook for a little while. I will still get on to check things but I won't interact as much as I normally do. (all day, everyday) Ha! Its kinda painful to see so many precious pregnant bellies. I am so happy for everyone but its still hard to see everyone sooo excited and so happy. Please understand. :)

X's & O's!